Pilko

We should start Carroll - when it's mathematically impossible for us to go down. He should start any remaining fixtures. Give him a blast.

This.

Joey Barton was shit. That is all.

This is like watching live footage of the holocaust unfold. It's being hosted by Steve McManaman as well, just how I envisioned said footage.

This is like the Vietnam war. Doomed before it started

Team most likely to leak by about 7.20 tbh.

Relegation a good thing? Leeds, Ipswich, QPR, Southampton, Sheffield Wednesday, Sheffield United, Coventry and Leicester all say hi.

Come to think of it, apart from the fluke N'Zogbia one on the opening day, have we even scored a direct free kick this season?

Unless Keegan is on smack, there is no way he can include Smith on anything other than past merit. If he starts tonight we're going to lose, end of story.

Never pay any attention to the SkySports prediciton myself. We were going to beat Derby (a) 3-0 according to that....

Yeah, but we don't have any talent to start with.

So Martins and Postman Pat upfront for Monday night?

You've spelt Forster wrong. Would also have to have Krul and Soderberg in there IMO. You need to put Forster into your sig.

There's more chance that Steve Harper will score than Smith.

For me, the central midfield pairing will decide a long way whether we win or not. Butt and Barton, no. Butt and Geremi, no. Geremi and N'Zogbia, not sure. Butt and N'Zogbia, maybe. Butt and Faye, no. Barton and Faye, no. Faye and N'Zogbia, probably the best we can do. Harper Beye-Cacapa-Edgar-Enrique Milner-Faye-N'Zogbia-Duff (Martins-Viduka-Carroll-Owen) any pair.

Hope we sign Sagna

Oh and I'm very confident that Smith won't score this season. How embarrasing.

I remember one of the advertising hoardings at the Reebok said "Carrs Pasties". That's why he's so fat and why he's moving to Bolton. Sherlock.

On his arse. Except I mean the bench at Wigan, not as he usually was when a through ball was pitched to an opposing striker.

It is not possible to shoe-horn Smith in any longer, he's had long enough and hasn't delivered. Carroll > Smith

Players NOT listed in order here... Goalkeepers Friedel Cech Reina James Howard Right backs Beye Sagna Finnan L. Young Lauren Left backs Bridge A. Cole Evra Clichy Bouma Centre backs Vidic Samba Lescott Woodgate Terry Right wingers Ronaldo A. Young S. Wright-Phillips Bentley Hleb Left wingers Arteta M. Petrov J. Cole Babel Kranjcar Centre midfielders Cahill Carrick Essien Mascherano Gerrard Strikers Torres Berbatov Adebayor Rooney Yakubu

Playing Martins on the right wing is like trying to make a cat sit in a bucket of freezing water. He just drifts inside because he is a striker, leaving us with no width on the right hand side, therefore the right back tucks in and there's less space for Viduka or whoever to try and get a shot away from central positions. With Milner injured, either Duff or Geremi should play wide right - the right probably suiting Duff more because he nearly always cuts inside anyway. But Martins on the right would be an utter abortion of an idea.

Mark Viduka is greedier than any of the Reading strikers. Free barbie and a few corkin' Sheila's?

And play who instead? A midfield 4 of Geremi RM, Butt CM, N'Zogbia CM and Duff LM. Barton on the bench, or in the stands.

We need to stop starting Joey Barton every time he's available. No touch, can't pass, head down, just the epitomy of a poor player. £5.8m that could have gone to Sport Relief, Mike.