gbandit Posted April 9, 2022 Share Posted April 9, 2022 Steve Bruce's Autobiography "I never saw it coming" Chapter one I logged onto my computer first thing after necking a couple of doner kebabs lathered in bacon juice, taking a swig of curry sauce that had pooled in the chippy container that I'd cast aside the night before. Time for a quick check of the emails, email #1 from Alex Bruce, 'keep your chin up dad, you're the best manager in the championship, any chance we could have next week off as I want to go to Disneyland.' Thanks son, big fat yes to that as long as I get first dibs on the seats on Space Mountain. I scan another few emails and see one that's somehow ended up in my junk titled 'you've won a million pounds'. My heart started racing, maybe this was my lucky day. I clicked into the email and sure enough, there it was in plain, yet broken english. I was the last remaining descendant of a rich distant relative and as such I was due to receive one million pounds. All I needed to do was enter some personal details and send over my banking information. As quick as my oedema-riddled body would allow, I podged out the info through my chunky fingers and sent off the email. Next up, a quick scan of pornhub's fetish section, women covered in meat, yeah, that's the good stuff, oh what, one of those stupid pop-ups, what is it this time? "Your computer is infected and you need to enter some security information in order to get full access back" Fuck, talk about bad timing. Right, let's have a click here then, national insurance number, date of birth, telephone numbers, address, right that should sort it. The screen goes black "Janet, the laptop's on the blink again, can you get one of the Steves round to fix it?" Two weeks later my bank accounts are empty and all my personal details were everywhere online, I just never saw it coming. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Posted April 9, 2022 Share Posted April 9, 2022 Women covered in meat is just lasses in the way to Steve. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fantail Breeze Posted April 9, 2022 Share Posted April 9, 2022 When he took over, they were in the playoffs Now struggling to stay in the top half. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
LionOfGosforth Posted April 9, 2022 Share Posted April 9, 2022 Knocking bet to manage Norwich at some point, safe pair of hands/ex-player/huge experience of the championship etc Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
gbandit Posted April 9, 2022 Share Posted April 9, 2022 49 minutes ago, Mike said: Women covered in meat is just lasses in the way to Steve. Typing away furiously in the comments, ‘not enough meat ornamentation. Would not ruhl me foreskin doon, 3/10’ Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotty66 Posted April 9, 2022 Share Posted April 9, 2022 2 hours ago, Joey Linton said: “It’s encapsulated my eight weeks, that’s for sure. It’s a frustration for us all,” Bruce said. “The goals we gave away, the first two, is something I never saw coming" “In the first half we didn’t get going. We passed the ball slowly, we didn’t really have any penetration in the forward areas. It was another frustrating afternoon, and that unfortunately has happened too often. It’s the reason why we are where we are.” “It was the third game in six days, and there were a few who looked jaded. Physically, we put in our best stats of the season on Wednesday against Bournemouth,” Bruce pointed out. “You’ve got to be able to go again in the Championship, it’s what it demands" “I’ve only been here for eight weeks and, of course, you learn," Bruce said. “We’re verging on (needing) a major overhaul" Everywhere he goes it's the same "who saw this coming, what can I do about it" nonsense. We are where we are Go again I've only been here eight (8) weeks What in the actual fuck What. A. Cunt. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lazarus Posted April 9, 2022 Share Posted April 9, 2022 Their fans are still blaming the players How many times has he gone to Portugal since he went there? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Posted April 9, 2022 Share Posted April 9, 2022 11 minutes ago, Lazarus said: Their fans are still blaming the players How many times has he gone to Portugal since he went there? Surprised he's not just managing them via zoom. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiresias Posted April 9, 2022 Share Posted April 9, 2022 as if he knows how to use zoom, it's not like he's needed anyway except to save on food waste at teh buffet Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yorkie Posted April 9, 2022 Share Posted April 9, 2022 5 minutes ago, Mike said: Surprised he's not just managing them via zoom. pretending his connection's gone so he can go for a shit. Like I don't do. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pilko Posted April 9, 2022 Share Posted April 9, 2022 https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.mirror.co.uk/sport/football/news/sunderland-steve-bruce-vows-lay-3346147.amp Quotes from end of 2010 when he was at Sunderland: "18 months ago I look fresh-faced and ready for the challenge come back to North East and we have had the worst two winters in history. It has aged me enormously! 50... Jesus. Unbelievable. "I'm going to lose some weight if I can, stay out of the pub! Its when I'm under pressure, when I open the fridge, beers, pork pies anything. I do like a pork pie with a can of beer. Pork sandwiches with a bit of mustard. Marvellous... With mustard, peas pudding and crackling and all that. Mmm. "But I can't have any mire pork pies - I'm sick of being called a fat bastard wherever I go. So that's my New Year's Resoluton not to be called Fat Head. I don't go on the scales anymore - I am that frightened." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geordie Ahmed Posted April 9, 2022 Share Posted April 9, 2022 Genuinely thought those quotes were made up 🤣 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rafalove Posted April 9, 2022 Share Posted April 9, 2022 9 minutes ago, Geordie Ahmed said: Genuinely thought those quotes were made up 🤣 Assumed it was some classic satire from Disco or someone on here but no they’re real as fuck. Wow. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris_R Posted April 9, 2022 Share Posted April 9, 2022 Glad to see he stuck to his word and shifted the weight. Nobody's calling him fat now. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
rickyprickles Posted April 10, 2022 Share Posted April 10, 2022 1 hour ago, Pilko said: https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.mirror.co.uk/sport/football/news/sunderland-steve-bruce-vows-lay-3346147.amp Quotes from end of 2010 when he was at Sunderland: wtf hahaha. has to be a wind up. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Posted April 10, 2022 Share Posted April 10, 2022 2 hours ago, Pilko said: https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.mirror.co.uk/sport/football/news/sunderland-steve-bruce-vows-lay-3346147.amp Quotes from end of 2010 when he was at Sunderland: The worst two winters in History. Hitler typing his arse off in the chat. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Posted April 10, 2022 Share Posted April 10, 2022 I feel like we're deffo in the running to be the football board that mentions Hitler the most. edit: 107 pages worth of results. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
PauloGeordio Posted April 10, 2022 Share Posted April 10, 2022 7 hours ago, Geordie Ahmed said: Genuinely thought those quotes were made up 🤣 You are not alone 😆 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest HTT II Posted April 10, 2022 Share Posted April 10, 2022 Wow those quotes were real? It didn’t go as planned then, bit like his teams and management… Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackyboy Posted April 10, 2022 Share Posted April 10, 2022 Wouldn't be surprised if he takes a cut from the wages of the other Steve's and his tosser son. "I'll get you all a job again but I want of your wages. As none of them would ever get a job elsewhere they'd probably agree to that Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lazarus Posted April 10, 2022 Share Posted April 10, 2022 9 hours ago, Pilko said: https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.mirror.co.uk/sport/football/news/sunderland-steve-bruce-vows-lay-3346147.amp Those quotes are amazing Quote I do like a pork pie with a can of beer. Pork sandwiches with a bit of mustard. Marvellous... With mustard, peas pudding and crackling and all that. Mmm Quote I'm sick of being called a fat bastard wherever I go Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minhosa Posted April 10, 2022 Share Posted April 10, 2022 10 hours ago, Lazarus said: Their fans are still blaming the players How many times has he gone to Portugal since he went there? I’m not saying he’s been away too much but he’s got 18000 Benson and Hedges in his garage, a golf handicap of scratch and he’s sporting a gap year tan in April. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wilson Posted April 10, 2022 Share Posted April 10, 2022 58 minutes ago, HTT II said: Wow those quotes were real? It didn’t go as planned then, bit like his teams and management… He's only been trying 12 years, you can't change things over night. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
toon25 Posted April 10, 2022 Share Posted April 10, 2022 Just to think this cunt might still have been managing us but for wor Mandy Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
SUPERTOON Posted April 10, 2022 Share Posted April 10, 2022 23 minutes ago, toon25 said: Just to think this cunt might still have been managing us but for wor Mandy No might about it, if Ashley was here he would also have been here. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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